Thursday, August 24, 2017

Hello Fellow Mountain Bikers

I have issues with mountain bike trail names. Stuff like Slingshot Wookie and Radical Dragon are straight out of a bad name generator, like a grandpa Netscape Navigated to an x-treme sports glossary. There are too many dick jokes and shitty puns. The pop culture references are out of date by the time the first tread hits trail. Tough guy names only work if there's a self-referential wink, but they're kinda like having a mustache: it may be an ironic joke to your friends but to the rest of the galaxy you're just a guy with a mustache.

This keeps me up at night.

"New Mountain Bike Trail," though, this is perfect.

What else to call $1,168,000 of Evergreen Certified™ MultiUse VersaSwitch℗ ActiveSidewalk that is this Olallie trail? Optimized for your Fun Lifestyle! That same left turn, over and over. And again. For five miles. Our algorithm has determined that the existence a human soul is merely a construct. A complex protein chain, an amino acid. Trust the robots. Trust us.

Maybe the best name ever.

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